Twenty Years
I really don’t know the secret to a long-lasting, harmonious relationship. All I can do is tell you what I’ve learned in twenty years of everyday hapiness.
Today, I’m celebrating twenty years together with my wife. I’ve previously written about how starting a life with her was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And looking at it objectively, twenty years aren’t really much more notable than nineteen years. But it still is an incredible milestone. We’ve now been together longer than some people we meet in our jobs have been alive. I could say this makes me feel old, but to be honest, it just makes me happy.
If I reflect on our time together, it strikes me that we’ve lasted this long because we’re an incredible team. We simply work together very well – both in everyday situations at home and also when travelling or whenever something unforeseen or bad happens. That doesn’t mean we always agree with each other. Far from it. And in the past, we’ve fought so passionately and loudly that the neighbours once called the police on us back when we were students in Bonn. But we always respect each other. And we always manage to find common ground eventually, forgiving the pain we might have inflicted on each other and making up for it with care and love.
More important for twenty years of a successful and harmonious life together might be the ability to allow the other their own space to live, though. And by this I mean less of a purely physical concept of space and more of a spiritual and personal freedom. Letting the other person spend a weekend on the couch in front of Netflix or with their favourite video game when you wanted to go out and enjoy the sun, for example. A successful relationship is not only characterised by what you do for your partner – getting up early one morning to do something they really want to do when all you desire is some sleep – but also by what you let them do on their own. Sometimes, this takes a lot of trust in the other person. Sometimes, you need to let go of your jealousy if they’re doing something on their own and you’d be wishing you could do the same.
This can be very hard. And some of it I’ve only learned myself in the last few years of our relationship. But here we stand and, after twenty years, I feel like Katy and I are happier than we have ever been before. And I feel this is precisely because we have an unshakable trust in each other and the knowledge of just how good we are together. This makes it much easier to forgive the moments that invariably come where the other person does or says something that hurts you. And if you trust and respect each other, you can talk about things. That’s also something that sounds obvious but was something both of us had to learn over many years: We can tell each other everything. We don’t have to, because everyone has secrets, even after twenty years of living together, there are secrets. But we can talk to each other about anything, if we want or if we have to. And that’s the most important part. Because of this, I feel that there’s nothing that can drive us apart. Because we could talk about it and we’d find a way forward. As we always have during the previous twenty years.
I am extremely happy with the life we have built. And all I wish for is that we may grow old together. It’s been an incredible journey so far with Katy and all I want is to experience it all the way, to wherever it might take us next. And beyond.
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